


sunsets

by lesthowells



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Established Relationship, Fluff, M/M, Mild Hurt/Comfort
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-25
Updated: 2018-04-25
Packaged: 2019-04-26 07:16:34
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,863
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14397012
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lesthowells/pseuds/lesthowells
Summary: “We’re going tour.” Dan says, surprising himself by not slurring his words. He doesn’t feel that drunk, doesn’t think he is but there’s a haziness in his head that is making coherent thoughts slightly difficult.





	sunsets

_Sun sets, I want to hear your voice_  
_A love that nobody could destroy_  
_Took photographs like prodigals_  
_Book covers that we both adored_

\- Sunsetz- Cigarettes After Sex

* * *

 

Dan takes another sip of his drink despite having begun to feel lightheaded ages ago and not really wanting to finish it now. He thinks it tastes a little bit different from the one before and the one before that, fruiter and slightly bitter but he isn't sure if it is just in his imagination or not. They had briefly considered going out tonight to celebrate, mainly to appease their friends who suggested it but ultimately decided that as this was going to be their last night before leaving, they wanted to spend it together and in their apartment. There would be time to celebrate with everyone after the London show but tonight was for them. It was more than that though, they were soon going to be surrounded by people daily, time alone was going to be infrequent. Phil had ordered pizza while Dan had made them cocktails. Each drink varying slightly from the next as he couldn’t remember exactly how he had made the original, by the third it no longer mattered, he was too tipsy to care. Perhaps it hadn’t been such a good idea to have three drinks, but he couldn’t deny it had helped lessen his nerves for a little while. The pleasant fuzzy feeling loosened the tension in his limbs and muted some of the thoughts in his brain. It's fleeting, the effects had begun to ware off half an hour ago and now that the evening was getting later, the reality of tomorrow was settling in. They’re curled up close on the sofa upstairs, where they had been all evening, blanket over their knees. The warm weather from a few days ago had dissipated and it was cooler again. It didn’t feel right to spend their last night distracted by the TV, instead they had the curtains open and watched the sun set over London skyline. The darkness settled, a cloudy starless night but the city lights outside shone in through the glass, illuminating the room. Dan knows he is going to miss this, sitting here, the view and the quietness. They won't get the luxury of having much of that for the next five months, they won't be back in this apartment until September. It's a weird feeling, not quite sadness but there is a lingering bittersweet melancholy. 

“We’re going tour.” Dan says, surprising himself by not slurring his words. He doesn’t feel that drunk, doesn’t think he is but there’s a haziness in his head that is making coherent thoughts slightly difficult. 

“We are.” Phil affirms, his hand combing through Dan’s hair, if anything was going to make him more lethargic it was going to be that, it's a gesture Phil always does to try and soothe or comfort him. Dan wonders how Phil was able to always know when something was on his mind without him needing so say anything, he was used to it but he still wonders how. 

“Our first show is tomorrow.” Dan whispers. Suddenly realising what that means, that it was actually happening, it was no longer just a plan written in pen on a piece of paper. It wasn't a tiny cardboard model or just title with great graphic design. It didn't seem that long ago where it was just a concept, an idea passed back and forth between them and now it was real. Dan feels like a bucket of ice water has been chucked over his head- it's slightly sobering to say the least. 

“Yeah.” Phil’s reply is strained and it’s enough to let Dan know what Phil was feeling, the excitement had been there for months. The planning and preparation had been stressful at times, but they were inspired and motivated by the excitement, for the most part it had overshadowed all other emotions. It was only now Dan suddenly felt incredibly nervous, scared even. The reality settling in that the time was finally here, in less than twenty four hours they would be on stage, the mix of emotions whirling inside him are disorienting. He had started packing a week ago, Phil insisting they start early to avoid any last minute near disasters. He didn't have to elaborate, Dan knew he was talking about missing their flight to Australia last year. It was a bad habit of avoiding doing things that evoked any feelings of anxiety no matter how strong or mild. He couldn't do that this time though, it was too important. Everything had been planned to meticulously for this leg of the tour, all they had to do was pack and wait for their car to pick them up tomorrow morning. No flights to catch, or issues with passports for now, it was one less thing to worry about. 

“Are you nervous?” Phil asks quietly, fingertips pressing gently against Dan’s scalp, he wishes it would actually soothe some of his thoughts. He thinks they should have probably done to bed hours ago, the later the hour the more his brain came alive.  

“Yeah.” Dan swallows, he doesn’t want to pretend otherwise, doesn’t even think he can right now. “Are you?”

Phil hesitates but only for a moment. “A little bit I guess, yeah.”

Dan sits up then, turning and tucking his legs under him, his body feels heavy and the effort it takes to move is a lot. It’s worth it though, to be able to look at Phil properly, lose himself in the blue of his eyes. He needs the eye contact sometimes, it's more than just for comfort, sometimes he feels he can say so much more with one look than with all the words in the human language.  

“It’s going to be good though, the first night is always the hardest.” Dan feels a little like he’s trying to convince himself more than Phil, needing to tell himself that out loud not just in his head-it didn’t always work like that.

Phil understands, almost always does at these moments. He curls his arm around Dan’s shoulders, pushing him forward. He rests his head against Phil’s collarbone, the room spinning slightly in his vision. It’s in the quiet like this where Dan is overwhelmed with gratitude for Phil’s support, how he doesn't have to say anything really for him to just know. The gesture is subtle and wordless, yet it is more meaningful than anything. 

He is glad they didn’t go out tonight, he needs this right now, the peaceful amenity of it just being the two of them. His mind drifts, they’ve shared many nights like this before but obviously tonight was different. The significance implicit, this is their last night at home. They were going on tour, starting tomorrow, it was finally happening. _Tomorrow he'll be on stage, in front of hundreds of people._  He says it to himself and acknowledges it but yet the emotions feel misplaced, the nervous and restless energy are alien, like it should belong to someone else.

Dan turns his head, looking up at Phil who looks lost in thought himself. He feels an intense rush of adoration surge through his whole body, collecting in his chest and settling there. The absurdity of it all, everything he has done, what is about to do and this life that he never thought he would have-one that he shares with Phil. Sometimes he cannot believe that it is all real, it's disorienting. Dan gathers Phil's hand with his own, turning it over and pressing their palms together. The touch of contact sends the barest shiver down his spine, it's a good feeling, he could never tire of it. He thinks back to the first time he felt it, nine years ago, on a train station 210 miles away. That memory, along with many others remains so strong in Dan's mind that he can still feel it. 

“Do you remember our first date?” Dan asks, he doesn’t know why he’s thinking of that suddenly, his brain pulling him back nine years to his first night in Manchester, the first time he met Phil. He thinks of how nervous he had been then, it was incomparable to now, they were different nerves but nonetheless. He had been grateful for the alcohol that night, it had made him bolder, calmer. Suddenly all the stars came out to shine down upon them, he had always thought Phil was beautiful behind a computer screen and through grainy skype calls but nothing compared to the reality, the soaring recognition had made him lightheaded. It had melted away all his insecurities, inhibitions and doubts for 60 magical seconds, he let himself dare to dream and it came true. 

Dan feels the same passion all over again but magnified a thousand times. It was so much more now, the intensity of it left words meaningless sometimes. He's known then, in that moment, all that time ago, the realisation had been terrifying but wonderful. It's not scary anymore, it's home.

Phil makes a sound something close to a laugh, the sound of it dances in Dan’s ears.  “Of course, I remember, why?”

“You took me to that sky bar, I was so overwhelmed by everything, being there with you I couldn’t believe it.”

“It was a good night.” Phil affirms, voice a little far away but he looks down to meet Dan’s eyes. He wishes he could read Phil’s thoughts right now, but his own are too loud for him to hear anything else.

“I remember thinking it was so expensive and worrying that you were spending money on me. I had never been taken anywhere that nice or treated that well.”

Phil grazes a thumb over Dan’s cheek, “I know, that’s why I took you there, I wanted you to have the best night, you deserved that. You still do, always. And when we’re on tour we’re gonna go to the best places, just you wait.”

Dan's heart leaps inside his chest, he turns his head and crashes their lips together. It’s too much sometimes, the feeling too intense to speak that he didn't know what else to do. The warmth of the kiss spreads through his limbs, he feels Phil's palms on his face, fingers pressing so gently against his cheekbones. Dan tastes the traces of the cocktail they have been drinking on Phil’s lips as the kiss morphs into something gentle, somehow the taste is different, better, sweeter. It's not enough, he tilts his head and their lips part, tongue and teeth meet but pour out tenderness.

“I love you.” Dan whispers as soon as they break, he keeps his hands where they are against Phil’s shoulders, their foreheads pressed against each other’s.  

Phil giggles softly, his eyes alive and brighter than the lights outside and it turns Dan's heart over a hundred and eighty degrees. How did he get so lucky, how was this man a living, breathing reality. What did he do to deserve Phil, the kindest and best person he's ever known? He doesn't have the answers, hates that the questions still creep into his head to mock him whenever he feels something good. Dan isn't going to give in to them tonight, nothing was going to ruin this moment. 

“I always forget how mushy and sentimental you get when your drunk.” Phil says, poking a finger gently against Dan’s cheek where his dimple would be.  

“I am not!” Dan replies with pretend offence and dips forward to kiss the bridge of Phil's nose which makes him giggle again. Okay, maybe it was true, he was a bit more sentimental. Alcohol had the tendency to help to loosen the knots in his brain, make talking easier but it doesn’t make his words less true. 

“I mean it Phil," He dives headfirst into the depths of Phil's eyes, letting them sweep him away. "I always mean it if drunk or sober, sad or happy. Even when I don't feel like a person at all, I still love you, and I'll love you forever. You’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me.” 

Something melts in Phil’s gaze, his expression momentarily unreadable but then he ducks forward and crashes their mouths together. They’re kissing again but it is nothing like the last one, this time when they break apart Dan is breathless. He sinks back into Phil’s arms, curling is own around Phil’s waist. A different reality hits him now, like stepping over an imaginary start line- from tomorrow everything will be different. They will have to be different, still themselves but not the same, not quite really.

"I love you too, so much, more than anything." Phil whispers against his cheek, pressing kisses to his cheekbones. Dan pulls Phil closer, the distance feels too much. He knows he's going to have to get used to that again, the thought makes his heart heavy. It hurts already and they haven't left yet. If he is honest, It's the one thing he dreads the most, the one thing he wishes he could change. 

“I’m gonna miss you.” Dan doesn’t have to elaborate; the meaning is clear enough. Phil holds him a little tighter, almost so it hurts but he does not care. Dan reciprocates the gesture, curling his arm taut. It does not matter that they are slightly crushing each other, the weight isn't unpleasant, he needs it as a reminder. 

“I’ll miss you too. But it’ll be okay, it’s not going to be like last time.” Phil assures, his fingers curling through Dan’s hair once more. The reassurance is for them both, Dan knows they both need it, the hope that it brings, a clutch to cling to.

Dan nods, unable to speak. He hopes Phil is right, more than anything. He doesn’t think he could handle a repeat of the last tour, all the months spent stoping and starting. The distance between them had been the worst aspect to deal with, the feeling of knowing there were so close, him being with Phil every day yet powerless to do anything, they had unable to be themselves most of the time.

It had been the hardest part of the whole experience, not the travel or the exhaustion but the enforced separation. It had hurt to pretend, it had hurt to be close in proximity and but not be close to each other. The loneliness it brought had effected them both, the anticipation for the rare nights they had a hotel or for the few week breaks at home. All the time spent on the road, crammed into a bus, their opportunities to be alone had been scarce and precious. It meant they had latched on to any moment when they could but it hadn't been really been enough, by the end Dan had been exhausted. They had promised each other then, at the end of the year that 2017 would be different, a year for themselves, for life things. Some of that had happened, not all of it to plan, this new tour was a perfect example of that, a spontaneous initial idea that had turned into a decision, that was now a reality. Dan hopes it will be different this time, that it will be easier, they know what to expect at least. The next five months were going to be a whirlwind, and when it is over and done, he knows that they will be different people again too. The end of the last tour had left him exhausted and empty, he doesn't want that to happen this time either. There was so much good to come, so much they were going to do, this year was just the starting block for everything else.

Dan tries not to think too far ahead into the future, he knows that sometimes it does no good, that living in the moment is better. Instead he thinks about the months ahead, to the places and experiences waiting to be captured. In the back of his mind he does allow one thought to linger, a promise more than a hope, a forever home, waiting at the end of the road. With Phil, the next step in their life feels so assured.  _Their,_ Dan no longer trips over, or doubts it _,_ he's known for the longest time-before he could acknowledge it, that there was never going to be anyone else. Phil was it for him, his entire essence of being. He knows tomorrow morning will bring a plethora of new nerves and anxieties, the hours seemed to be dwindling faster. Dan wishes he could pause it just for a moment, just to keep this alive for as long as possible. 

"We should sleep soon." Phil whispers, there's unmistakeable tiredness in his voice but his fingers returning to Dan's hair. 

They should and in a moment he will make the first move, knowing Phil won't leave without him following. But before then, for a few moments longer they enjoy the last hours of quiet, staring out of the window, the London skyline stares back at them. Home.

**Author's Note:**

> thank you for reading, @lesthowells on tumblr


End file.
